Death Series Part 3 - The Afterlife


The Afterlife

We’ve made it to part three of three – congratulations to you, dear readers, this is the end. Today’s topic is one that you can read countless articles about on the Internet, is the subject of many recent hit shows on the boob-tube, and is no doubt something everyone has contemplated: The Afterlife. Seeing as I am a couple steps closer to the end than the rest of you, I thought I’d give an overview of my best guess of what exactly happens when you die. 

So, what happens when you die?

First of all, we’re going to presume here on out that we were all great people while alive and we’re all making it upstairs.  And when we do get to heaven, reliable sources tell me that we each get to live in our absolute favorite home we’ve ever lived in in our lives.  For me, that’ll be an easy one: for my first two weeks in assisted living, my permanent apartment was still being painted, so I got to stay in one of the luxury suites they built for VIPs and let me just say, if you think the transition from living on your own to assisted living is tough, transitioning from a VIP suite to a regular one with a lingering fresh paint smell is a real slap in the face.  Back to my VIP suite, did you know that they make wheelchair-accessible above-ground hot tubs? They have a little transition booth that you wheel into before sliding into the tub, kind of like the entrance to a doggie park. Innovation!

While you’re living in your favorite home, word has it that your fridge is constantly stocked with your five favorite food items from your life.  Assuming you’re like me, that means unlimited Haagen-Dazs Cookie Dough Dynamo™, shredded cheddar cheese, dots, chocolate pudding cups, and saltines. Like magic, when you consume any item, another one forms in its place.  Better yet, all of these foods taste like the real deal, but have the nutritional value of soylent, so you stay as fit as you were when you died.

Are you alone?

Heavens, no! That’ll be a fun phrase to use when I’m actually in heaven. You live in a community of all your favorite dead people: my grandpa, Carrie Fisher, Lucille Ball, Edgar Allen Poe (why not), and Anthony Bourdain (duh). You can hang out, become friends, collaborate on a new restaurant chain or hit TV series—you have so much free time now, why not live a little? Of course, you’ll also be neighbors with other dead people who want to live near your favorite dead people, but that’s not a problem. Maybe one of them will be your new BFFA (best friend for afterlife)!

And what do you do all day with your friends? Whatever the hell you want! (Another fun phrase to look forward to using while up there).  Always wanted to go skydiving but also wanted to not die? Now’s your chance! Curious to try a ghost pepper but knew that there wasn’t enough Zantac on earth to save you from yourself? There’s no heartburn in heaven, baby.  Folks, the time to live a little is when you’re already dead.

Do people have pets in Heaven?

Dogs only.