How to enjoy the summer when you're a Grandma.
Despite our best efforts to avoid it, summer is upon us. The weather is warm, the sky is blue, it's a regular nightmare for Morticia Addams every day. When you're a Grandma, it isn't easy to enjoy this time of year. You sweat in places you didn't know glands existed, and when you are lucky enough to enjoy the indoors (that is, when you're willing to pay a bit more for electricity), the Tundra of the Air Conditioning is much too much to bear. Life is hard.
To successfully navigate the summer months while living life as a fully fledged geriatric, keep these facts & tips in mind:
Your SPF can never be high enough.
Your skin is your best accessory. If you've made it to this point in life without a sagging, leathery outer-layer, you should be doing your best to keep up the good work. It's ideal to simply stay indoors, far away from the evil Sun, but at times you'll need to stand in the light. At those times, cover up! Pale skin keeps you warmer at night.
Drink water like a fish swims in it.
Surround yourself in a lack of thirst. It is the only way to keep it together in the sweltering heat and is the only way to keep your pores open to enable a continuous free flow of sweat.
Don't eat outside.
Tempting as it may be, given that restaurants love to boast their "outdoor seating available!" and "garden in back" options, do not fall for this trap! Eating outside is sun-filled and windy. Your food will overheat and become inedible or it might simply fly away! And if said "outdoor seating available!" is street-adjacent, there's no stopping a passerby from reaching over and helping himself to a dinner roll.
This summer, instead of indulging in the things that most New Yorkers enjoy—waiting in lines, going to concerts in the park, enjoying long walks on the beach—do as Grandmas have done for generations and stay indoors for long enough that one of your friends calls the police to make sure you haven't died.