Everyone needs a therapist, and other musings of a Grandma
When you're a Grandma, there are several rules you live by, many of which we've covered thus far right here on grandmeryl.com.
What we've yet to touch upon, however, are the rules that we are required to dole out to others. This is the ultimate perk of being a Grandmother. Say what you want about the lack of salt in our early bird specials and the fact that there is hardly any handicapped parking in NYC. Being a member of the geriatric crowd is a wonderful blessing and you mustn't let the opportunity to shout wisdom at every person you pass on the street go to waste.
Let's get started.
Everyone needs to be in therapy.
Your landlord, your best friend, your mother. Everyone needs to pay someone to listen to them as they complain, bitch, moan, and sort through the circuitous and nagging thoughts that each and every one of us has from time to time. Your friends are not responsible for teaching you how to handle your own wandering mind and keep your emotions in check. Leave that to the professionals.
Dating is like a full-time job.
You might have to go on 1000 first dates before you find the human(oid) who is the perfect mix of funny, smart, sarcastic, outgoing, shy, stupid, rich, and poor to tickle your fancy. Every date is worthwhile and will help you recognize exactly what you want (or, more likely, don't want) in a significant other. DO NOT GIVE UP. Your Grandma didn't give up and that's how you're here. Remember that.
Wearing colors is overrated.
When in doubt, wear black. Black is the color of confidence, cool, and Wednesday Addams. You can spill legitimately anything on your head-to-toe black outfit and no one ever will know. Similarly, you can wear it two days in a row and again, no one will ever know. Wear black enough, in fact, and you can wear the same exact outfit day in and day out and your fellow Earthlings will assume it is yet another black outfit. Black is slimming. Black is chic. And most importantly, black warms your cold, arthritic bones, like the cartilage you lost on your 70th birthday.
Always go to the bathroom.
As my mother says, "Always go to the bathroom, in case you have to go." If, along your daily journey, you happen upon a bathroom, use it. You never know when you will next find yourself in proximity to a porcelain throne, so it is best to seize the opportunity as it is presented to you.
These are the four I'd like you to start with. You can practice this week by shouting them to strangers or familiar folk on your way to and from mahjong. Make sure you call out a specific person as you shout. There's a fine line between being a Grandma who heckles strangers and being the crazy old lady who roams the streets shouting advice to herself that she seems never to follow. Do not cross that line.