Going on a date when you're a grandma.

via  graytham

Just because you're a grandma doesn't mean you don't get out and about every once in a while. Grandmama likes to be treated to some good eats time and time again, you know? For those of you still skeptical of how to seamlessly blend the grandma lifestyle with that of a 20-something date-goer, look no further, for here I have neatly compiled a list of necessary Date Dos and Don'ts for every GIT. 


Request that the date is close to home.  Especially if it's a first or second date, your gentleman caller will not know that you've deliberately chosen to meet at the bar beneath your apartment. He won't notice that you don't need to look at the menu to order.  He won't question when you tell him that you're just going to walk home at the end of the night and happen to be going the opposite direction of him (so that you can then circle back to your warm bed above the bar).  


Wear flats.  Grandmas don't wear heels.  It's already a big enough deal that you've opted to venture out into the real world on a weekend night.  Let's not spoil the moment by wearing uncomfortable shoes.  The only person who will notice you're wearing flats is you, and you're a Grandma, meaning you'll either quickly forget or choose to follow the cardinal rule of Grandmadom: fuck it.


Either order one drink max or get totally trashed.  There is no middle ground.  Because if we are being honest, there's only two ways you want your post-date night to go: either you'll be ever-so-slightly buzzed so you can return home to the latest episode of 60-minutes and comprehend the entire thing OR you'll be so wasted that you'll fall right into a deep, deep slumber, waking up only ever two or three hours to drink a liter of water. A drunk and happy grandma is not a grandma.  What you're thinking of is a normal 20-something who might go out to another bar after said date.  This is strictly a no-no.


Don't invite him over.  This one is really a no-brainer.  Firstly, you'll be revealing that you are a lazy bum and chose a date spot that is exactly the same as your home according to Google Maps. But more importantly, you need to leave some time for yourself in the evening.  If you invite him over, you either won't be able to finish the pizza you have in your fridge or worse, you'll have to share with him.  If you invite him over, he'll want to stay over and, well, it will be hard for him to understand that you don't share a Queen-size bed well and that yes you do have to sleep every night with your childhood teddy bear safely tucked beneath your chin.  Guys are just dense.  Better to avoid these complicated discussions as long as you can.